Don Said:

help me edit my scholarship essay?

We Answered:

First, anyone on the college admissions board who would be reading your essay is looking first and foremost for what is unique about you. This helps them judge whether or not to admit you. They already knows that college education helps people get better jobs. If you are applying to a large school that gets a lot of applicants, you may not get the admission boards to read past the first 12 sentences as they are very generic. I would eliminate them all together and start with something that will grab their attention. I've edited your essay below and put additional comments in brackets.

I’ve always been passionate about helping others and making a difference in someone’s life. Since an early age I decided [you can't discover your career, you decide it] that my career path would be in the medical field. I hope to majoring first in international business, then attend medical school to become a pediatric oncologist. [My next thought if I were the admissions person is, so why medicine, and why international business instead of biology or chemisty or more common pre-med majors? ]
In the summer of 2009 I attended a forum of medicine at the University of Emory, offered by the National Youth Leadership Forum of medicine. [Your next sentences tell me what you did, but do not reveal WHY it interests you. Perhaps say sometime like: This experience helped confirm my interest in medicine. By shadowing a doctor, helping in a hospital and watching live surgeries, I felt, I thought, I realized....finish the sentence with sometime that reveals something about you.]
The following summer I volunteered in a hospital in Medellin, Colombia. This experience left me with a better appreciation of life and with a commitment to help those in need. I want to able to travel around the world and help as many people as I can. The Colombian experience really opened my eyes and helped me understand how fortunate I am. [Is this why you want to major in international business, because you want to travel? if so, it is not obvious.]

[Your next paragraph is a drastic change of subject and need a better transition. I included one]
I realize that I will face a lot of challenges in order to meet by goals. but I am no stranger to challenge. The desire to succeed and make a difference is what motivates me everyday. Fir example, during my senior year I had an emergency surgery for appendicitis, and missed more than two weeks of school right before finals. When I got back to school I had two days to make up all the work for six classes, and study for finals while still dealing with physical pain due to my surgery. Despite this obstacle, I was able to turn in all my assignments, take my finals and still managed to get good grades.

Through my high school years I’ve always tried to give the best of me while being active in my community and school. I’m involved in several clubs and sports. [This sentence is way too generic and reveals nothing about you. If you want to mention which clubs and sports and community activities you participate in, and show how they shaped you as an individual, I would include something about them; otherwise I would leave it out]

[You need a better conclusion; you begin talking about passion and helping people and making a difference; your conclusion should find a way to tie back to that,]