Bertha Said:

Scholarship Essay... what do you think?

We Answered:

Overall, you had plenty of content -- your accomplishments were notable. You write well except the few times you didn't.

A couple of small changes might help this look more adult. Your focus was great but in the real world, parents do not "get on your case," they "strongly urge you to consider" ... etc.

And you do not "beef up your resume" you "enhance" your resume.

Your roller coaster ride" is cliche. You want to go full fifty-cent word? It is vicissitudes of planning and organizing.

As you know, the entire essay is a dance of incomprehensible BS that tests your ability to write in such manner that they will get the impression that you can paint a picture with words. It has little to do with what you really did with most of your time in HS. It is a job application for your next phase of life.

It is all about letting them know that they are picking someone who cal play the game of life and sound like you mean it. If you stand out from the others, you will be noticed. If you sound like every other teen, you may be put on a list.

Hope this helps.